My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.
Aziz Ansari Quotes and Jokes
Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.
Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ - I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’
Well, MTV isn't really my cup of tea... mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.
You missed a crazy party dude. I woke up with glitter on my dick!
Fiddling knobs, touching keys, having fun with a full grown man.
I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.
Breaking is tough, turns are tough, but telling your parents you’re gay is the hardest part of rollerblading.
Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
Dress code: Black tie optional. Just like life.
Texting With Girls Dangerously Delicious Preview. I’ll text a girl, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away, I text her back right away, she text me back right away. Then I’ll say something like: “alright cool, you wanna get pizza on Tuesday?” And I don’t hear anything.
Oh yeah he thinks he’s possessed by Scar, the evil lion from lion king, because that happens!
Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.