Quotes and Jokes by Doug Stanhope

Douglas Stanhope is an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, political activist, and podcast host.

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 305)

#1

They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish... then he has to get a fishing license. But he doesn't have any money, so he has to get a job and enter the social security system. And he has to file taxes, and you're gonna audit the poor son of a bitch because he's not really good at math. You pull the IRS van up to his house and take everything. You take his velvet Elvis and his toothbrush and it all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on him because he forgot to carry the 1. All because he wanted to eat a fish, and he couldn't even cook the fish because you need a permit for an open flame.

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#2

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

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#3

Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and rooting for the house.

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#4

I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.

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#5

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.

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#6

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

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#7

If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together? It's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"

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#8

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.

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#9

'Raising awareness' is another form of doing nothing!

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#10

The only true freedom that you find is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked. And then you are free to float around the system.

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#11

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

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#12

Hard work is fine if its a work of passion but just to work hard to buy shit to impress people. You're a fucking loser.

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#13

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

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#14

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

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#15

Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.

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