I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
Quotes and Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield
Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 396)
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.