You all have that friend who's quitting it. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I quit meat, and I feel great. I get up in at six in the morning and have a nice big bowl of oat bran. Then I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours. I eat another bowl of oat bran and go back into the bathroom for six more hours. All I do is eat and shit, I'm gonna live forever! My colon's the strongest muscle in my body right now. I could pass Elvis through my colon!
Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Smoking
Anybody who's ever tried to quit smoking knows exactly what I'm talking about. It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. And people who have never smoked just don't get that. It's like, my wife goes "I don't understand why you just don't quit, Bill. Just put them down and quit." I go, "Baby, I am trying. It is hard." And she goes, "I'm sorry, Bill. I don't understand why you just don't quit." And I go, "all right. Why don't you quit yelling?" 'Cause you can't.
Smoking takes ten years off your life. Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, kidney dialysis, adult diaper fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright?
What I do, and I know all smokers do this. You know how every cigarette pack has a different surgeon general's warning on it, how cool. Mine say, "Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ...fuck it. I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer," ya know, shop around. Hell gimme a carton of them Low Birth Weights. What the fuck do I care? 'Why you so down Bill?' Low Birth Weight. Yeah, I'm smokin' way too many Low Birth Weights.
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
The only thing that bothers me is if I'm in a restaurant and I'm eating and someone says, "Hey, mind if I smoke?" I always say, "No. Mind if I fart?"
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters…"
People tell me "hey if you quit smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you folks, I don't want my fucking sense of smell back.
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?