Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Respect

55 quotes

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I had this joke: "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me". To make it work better, you look for something to put in front of it: "I was so poor, I was so dumb", so this, so that. I thought, "Now what fits that joke?" Well, "No one liked me" was all right. But then I thought, "A more profound thing would be, 'I get no respect!' ".

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.