Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Wife

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 61)

#1

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

750
#2

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

391
#3

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.

77
#4

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

72
#5

Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."

68
#6

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

59
#7

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

59
#8

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

40
#9

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.

39
#10

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

31
#11

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

31
#12

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

26
#13

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

25
#14

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

25
#15

My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.

25