Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Abortion

27 quotes

I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

I, ah... this abortion issue in the States is dividing the country right in half. You know, and even amongst my friends - we're all highly intelligent - they're totally divided on the issue of abortion. Totally divided. Some of my friends think these pro-life people are just annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we gonna have a consensus? I'm torn. I try and take the broad view and think of them as evil, annoying fucks.

Women are really divided on abortion in this country. Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don’t want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it’s different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason…

'I'm against abortion, except like in cases of rape.' That's like saying, 'yes, a fetus is a human being, unless his dad is an asshole.'

It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!

We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.

I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.