Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Soul

29 quotes

Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like 'Hold on, I gotta try this shit. Hold on one second. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see...' What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it? 'Ha ha ha, ah ha ha! He told you not to! I am Windextor. I will clean your soul!'.

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

You gotta be cool when you're macho man, cuz you can't be sensitive and care about someone having a good time in bed, cuz that's too scary... When you don't use sensitivity when you're having sex, or share some of your soul, nothing gonna happen, because men really get afraid. Men really get scared in bed.

I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Isn't that a three-way?

Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!

Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you!

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.

That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.

It’s some chopped liver. That’s Jewish soul food.