Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Flowers

21 quotes

I think it’s weird when you give someone flowers… Really saying here you go, now watch these die, cause I like you. I feel like you should give someone flowers if you want to threaten them, here you’re next. Better put your feet in water 'cause I’m coming for you.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic.

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.

When my mother would make me sandwiches for school - zucchini and eggs, pepper and eggs, everything was with eggs - the oil would drip out of the bag. She didn't care if I lost the sandwich - she wanted that brown bag back. She used to give me artichoke sandwiches. You have no idea how embarrassing it is to sit in the schoolyard eating an artichoke with a piece of bread. A lot of kids didn't know what it was, they'd say, "Look at that guy eating flowers!"

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.

Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.

At my age flowers scare me.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

I think that's why they have so many religious freaks in the airports, they even keep the flowers behind the counter 'Go, go my children... be fruitful and annoy.'

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'