Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about California

Top 15 Most Popular Quotes (out of 28)

#1

People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.

646
#2

Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.

429
#3

I was born in Honduras, that's where I was born. I live in California, where no matter what you say, you're Mexican. You understand that? It doesn't matter what you say. See - you don't understand that, white people, because wherever you go, you're white. You're here, you're white. You go to L. A., you're white. You go to Denver, you're white. You go to Miami, you're still white. In L. A. I'm a Mexican, In Florida, I'm a Cuban. In New York, I'm a Puerto Rican. And when I come to Canada and I find out I'm an Eskimo.

100
#4

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

16
#5

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

15
#6

In Huntington Beach, California, three police instructors lost their jobs after ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches as punishment. And of course the tobacco companies are thinking, 'Cigarette sandwiches - what a great idea.'

13
#7

I think there could be a way where it can be allowed, regulated, taxed and looked at as a positive for California in a place where we’re giving out IOU’s, baby!

11
#8

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I’m outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

10
#9

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

10
#10

You know what they said in California? I saw it on C-Span - people we vote for - this is what they said, 'I propose that we kick all of the illegal aliens out of this country. Then we build a super-fence so they can't get back in.' And I went, 'Um, who's gonna build it?'

9
#11

During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement.

7
#12

I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

5
#13

For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.

5
#14

Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.

5
#15

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

4