My favorite president, John F. Kennedy. Charming guy, great president. Fucked Marilyn Monroe. President of the United States and fucked Marilyn Monroe. What do you want?! I know some people give him shit about that, yeah like you wouldn't have. No you'd have been too busy studying the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. Yeah you wouldn't have wanted a piece of Marilyn, not you, no. Yeah you're too patriotic, fuck you, you'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK. You'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going: "You know, it doesn't get much better than this, does it? President of the United States. Dick in Marilyn Monroe. My finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. It doesn't get better than this."
Quote by Sam Kinison:
Quotes by other comedians
Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
My life is the sum of other peoples' experiences.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.
When I saw people dancing to it in jeans that had been dry-cleaned and cowboy boats and you're in New York City - that's when I said hand guns should be legal.
For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids