Quote by Shelley Berman:

Items I noticed on a recent cross-country tour: Ad in a Louisville newspaper: “for sale cheap - my son's collection of bebop and rock and roll records. If a 14-year-old's voice answers the phone, hang up and call later”. A sign on a runway at the Great Lakes naval station: “Absolutely no flying permitted over nudist camp 6.4 miles SSW on a true course of 167 degrees.” Item in an Indianapolis newspaper: “Miss Jan Carr was overcome by gas while taking a bath. She owes her life to the watchfulness of the janitor in her apartment.” Ad in classified column of a University of Cincinnati medical journal: “Will the person who stole the jar of alcohol from Room 303 kindly return my uncle's appendix? No questions asked.”

Short bio
Sheldon Leonard Berman was an American comedian, actor, writer, teacher, lecturer and poet. In his comedic career, Berman was awarded three gold records and he won the first Grammy Award for a spoken comedy recording in 1959.

All quotes by Shelley Berman

Quotes by other comedians

The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else... I never lied better.