What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Quote by Steven Wright:
Quotes by other comedians
The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.
It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.