I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
Quote by Steven Wright:
Quotes by other comedians
Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
If the rich are evil why are you sitting in their library? Why are you sitting in their hall? Why did I just listen to a whole show on orangutans with no commercials that they paid for?
And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.