The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."
Quote by Steven Wright:
Quotes by other comedians
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!
You might be a redneck if you bring your dog to work with you.
Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.