Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Quote by Tim Allen:
Quotes by other comedians
You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.
I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.