I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.
Quote by Tim Allen:
Quotes by other comedians
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
I do have hair; the hair is just not everywhere. I realize it's really just at the holes: my nose, my ears, my butt. I'm like a tub: just sheer white porcelain, and then a clump of hair at the drain.
Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.