I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
Quote by Tim Allen:
Quotes by other comedians
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? Are you out of your mind? Swimming - you mean that thing you instinctively do before you die?