I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
Quote by Tim Allen:
Quotes by other comedians
Whenever I eat at a restaurant I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, 'Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?' Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants 'cause I'm a goddamn adult. And I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that's for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.
I wanted to be the best that I could be, first for myself, then for an audience. I love to see a smile on somebody's face... If I can tell someone a story that makes them bend over and laugh, that's bigger than anything else.
And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?