I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me.
Quote by Bo Burnham:
Quotes by other comedians
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.