Quote by Dane Cook:

I swear on my unborn child's life i didn't eat your fucking ice cream.

Comedian
Short bio
Dane Jeffrey Cook is an American stand-up comedian and film actor. He has released five comedy albums: Harmful If Swallowed; Retaliation; Vicious Circle; Rough Around The Edges: Live From Madison Square Garden; and Isolated Incident.

All quotes by Dane Cook

Quotes by other comedians

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.

They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.