Quote by Dane Cook:

How did Mary die? A tire... hit her in the face! What was she doing putting her face near tires? No, no, no... This tire hunted Mary down; this tire murdered Mary. This tire wasn't 'fucking around' as we like to say. This tire was out for vengeance.

Comedian
Short bio
Dane Jeffrey Cook is an American stand-up comedian and film actor. He has released five comedy albums: Harmful If Swallowed; Retaliation; Vicious Circle; Rough Around The Edges: Live From Madison Square Garden; and Isolated Incident.

All quotes by Dane Cook

Quotes by other comedians

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.

I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don’t care if anybody else gets it.

Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me."

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.