I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.
Quote by Daniel Tosh:
Quotes by other comedians
I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I think that's why they have so many religious freaks in the airports, they even keep the flowers behind the counter 'Go, go my children... be fruitful and annoy.'
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.