Quote by Demetri Martin:

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

Comedian
Short bio
Demetri Evan Martin is an American comedian, actor, director, cartoonist and musician. He was a contributor on The Daily Show. In stand-up, he is known for his deadpan delivery, playing his guitar for jokes, and his satirical cartoons.

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I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

When my woman kisses me I start dancing like James Brown. Ow! I Feel Good!

In reality, all men are sculptors, constantly chipping away the unwanted parts of their lives trying to create a masterpiece.

Guys talk about masturbating a lot more than women do. Women do it, but guys talk about it all the time. There's nothing to it. Be with your friends, like, 'Hey, Walter, we're gonna shoot baskets. You want to come with us?' And your friend Walter's like, 'Nah, you know what? I'm tired, man. I'm gonna go home, crank one out and take a nap.'