Quote by Doug Stanhope:

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Comedian

Quotes by other comedians

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.