My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.
Quote by Emo Philips:
Quotes by other comedians
The universe is not rich enough to buy the vote of an honest man.
Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?
My mom looks at my dad and goes, 'Do I look fat in this dress?' And my dad goes, 'Don't be stupid, you look fat in everything.'
You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contactlist, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like... who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life?
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.