Quote by Eugene Mirman:

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

Comedian
Short bio
Eugene Boris Mirman is a Russian-American comedian and writer known for playing Yvgeny Mirminsky on Delocated and Gene Belcher on the animated comedy Bob's Burgers.

All quotes by Eugene Mirman

Quotes by other comedians

It was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain’s been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!!!!

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

That’s why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I... well, she wanted kids. I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas.” Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you’re so fucking altruistic, why don’t you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing... I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet.

I believe that the phrase “time in a bottle” refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.