There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.
Quote by Eugene Mirman:
Quotes by other comedians
Sometimes they give you their name when you call information. It's like, 'Thanks for calling 411. This is Wanda, may I help you?' You're gonna go, 'Wanda Matzger from Verona High School in New Jersey?' 'No.' 'Oh, OK. That would have been really weird. Sorry.'
Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.
Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?