Quote by Eugene Mirman:

There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.

Comedian
Short bio
Eugene Boris Mirman is a Russian-American comedian and writer known for playing Yvgeny Mirminsky on Delocated and Gene Belcher on the animated comedy Bob's Burgers.

All quotes by Eugene Mirman

Quotes by other comedians

Sometimes they give you their name when you call information. It's like, 'Thanks for calling 411. This is Wanda, may I help you?' You're gonna go, 'Wanda Matzger from Verona High School in New Jersey?' 'No.' 'Oh, OK. That would have been really weird. Sorry.'

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?