Quote by Greg Fitzsimmons:

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don’t want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

Comedian
Short bio
Gregory Sebastian "Greg" Fitzsimmons is an American stand-up comedian, writer, producer and radio host. He hosted The Greg Fitzsimmons Show on Howard 101 until December 2018.

All quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons

Quotes by other comedians

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Remember the lesson that Susan Boyle taught us all. Before you judge an ugly person, give them two minutes to whistle a tune or tap dance for you. And if they can’t, fuck ‘em. Stupid ugly fuck.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'