White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.
Quote by Greg Proops:
Quotes by other comedians
I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.
Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.