I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.
Quote by Hannibal Buress:
Quotes by other comedians
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
My daughter’s tricycle said “Some Assembly Required.” It came in a jar.
Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Salt we got plenty. Coffee we need." Never got a dinner!
I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.