Whenever I eat at a restaurant I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, 'Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?' Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants 'cause I'm a goddamn adult. And I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that's for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.
Quote by Hannibal Buress:
Quotes by other comedians
These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!
You might be a redneck if more than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.