The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys - a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do - and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly - boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.
Quote by Iliza Shlesinger:
Quotes by other comedians
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.
Kiefer Sutherland is spending the holidays behind bars, so for Christmas he’ll need crossword puzzles, stationery, magazines, a cork and a rape whistle.
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!