Quote by Bill Maher:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Comedian
Short bio
William Maher is an American comedian, political commentator, and television host. He is known for the HBO political talk show Real Time with Bill Maher and the similar late-night show called Politically Incorrect, originally on Comedy Central and later on ABC.

All quotes by Bill Maher

Quotes by other comedians

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".

So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh … Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and … and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."

You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.