Quote by Dave Attell:

You're thinking I'm homophobic; I hear it all the time. "Dave, you’re probably gay." "What?" "Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!" And I say, "Listen, Voice In My Head… I do not."” "How do you know you wouldn't like it? How do you know you wouldn't love it?" I know I wouldn't like it or love it, because one time… during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times.

Comedian
Short bio
David Attell is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is best known as the host of Comedy Central's Insomniac with Dave Attell, which earned him a cult following. Fellow comics Patton Oswalt and Bill Burr have hailed him as the greatest off-color comedian alive.

All quotes by Dave Attell

Quotes by other comedians

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

See that salesman, twirling that umbrella. I invented that.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.