My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support.
Quote by Ellen DeGeneres:
Quotes by other comedians
Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Honestly, so much of my book is about the best things in my life have happened since I'm 40.
You might be a redneck if you own a Waffle House credit card.