Quote by Ellen DeGeneres:

So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here... is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors... you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldn't be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard... what are they thinking? "Oh, they'll be fine."

Short bio
Ellen Lee DeGeneres is an American comedian, television host, actress, writer, and producer. She starred in the popular sitcom Ellen from 1994 to 1998 and has hosted her syndicated TV talk show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, since 2003.

All quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

Quotes by other comedians

In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.

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If they played the world hunger commercials with some dope beats, they'd probably get mad donations son!

Any female teachers watching the show tonight, you've got to quit dating the students. That's the least we expect out of you. When I was 14 years old, my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.