I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.
Quote by Gallagher:
Quotes by other comedians
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
I had a job that people in this business would absolutely kill for on the sitcom I was on, I was working with one of my best friends. Laurie Metcalf was in the cast, really talented people on the Warner Brothers lot in LA. I was a supporting character making 35 grand a week, some weeks I'd have two lines. I had a job making 35 grand a week where I didn't have to take anything to work; I didn't have a briefcase or a piece of paper. I had ridiculously lame, easy jokes to memorize; like the jokes on that show would be I'd go to Norm MacDonald and say 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' and he'd say 'No, I'm not thinking of cheeseburgers,' then I'd make a face like 'oh, you got me' and then I'd walk out and then I'd get 35 grand on a Friday. So I had a convertible Mercedes, I was living in a four-thousand dollar a month condo on Willshire and Beverly Hills, I was healthy, I was thin, I had a tan. Even with that life, creatively I was empty inside, I couldn't stand it, after two years I had to get out of there, I was going crazy pulling the hairs out of my head.