I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.
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Quotes by other comedians
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.