I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Quote by Garry Shandling:
Quotes by other comedians
I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more.
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, Merry fucking Christmas!
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.
Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.