It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Quote by George Burns:
Quotes by other comedians
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.