Quote by George Burns:

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

Comedian
Short bio
George Burns was an American comedian, actor, singer, and writer. He was one of the few entertainers whose career successfully spanned vaudeville, radio, film and television. His arched eyebrow and cigar-smoke punctuation became familiar trademarks for over three-quarters of a century.

All quotes by George Burns

Quotes by other comedians

My favourite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides coloured eggs.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

We have white people problems in America. That's what we have, white people problems. You know what that is? That's where your life is amazing, do you just make shit up to be upset about. People in other countries have real problems. Like, "Oh, shit. They're cutting off all our heads today." Things like that. Here, we make shit up to be upset about. Like, "How come I have to choose a language on the ATM machine? It's bullshit. I shouldn't have to do that. I'm American."

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.