Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins... and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.
Quote by Janeane Garofalo:
Quotes by other comedians
I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.
I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.
My shrink is so baffled she now blames her own childhood for my anxiety.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.