Quote by Jay Mohr:

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.

You know, a lot of people think that just cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long live, maybe you will; but, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.