I like getting a massage, but it's hard to relax because the whole time, you're laying there for an hour with a stranger, naked, with your ass in the air - a lot of trust involved. You can't really concentrate because you just keep saying to yourself, 'Don't fart. Don't fart. Don't fart. No boners. No farts.'
Quote by Jay Mohr:
Quotes by other comedians
The second piece of news is something that I would imagine most people have heard about by now. Arrested Development got picked up for a third season.
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.