He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
Quote by Johnny Carson:
Quotes by other comedians
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!
People believe that Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days, and that's a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' situation. Most Jewish families don't make it past the fourth day. It doesn't happen - 'Come on, aren't we going to light the lights?' 'Eh, no. Enough's enough.'
When did our elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners. Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed.
My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.