The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.
Quote by Jon Stewart:
Quotes by other comedians
The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.
So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.
Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.
There have been times I’ve been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, ‘Time to go home.’
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.