Quote by Larry Miller:

Every time a friend of mine has a kid I go over to the crib and say, "You know, I used to hold your father’s head while he threw up."

Comedian

Quotes by other comedians

So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.

Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitter!"

"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.