Quote by Martin Lawrence:


Here goes all these rumors writin' about me. I see on the paper, one of'em says "Martin tries to jump out of a plane using his jacket as a parachute." Now ain't that some bullshit! As I'm trying to get my life together, they're gonna write that bullshit. I know damn well you can't jump out no plane using your jacket as a parachute. Shit, I know you got to use your pants.

Comedian

Quotes by other comedians

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

We come into this world totally defenseless. A bundle of soft, toothless cartilage that can't roll over, focus, or hold in it's own spit. Then, while you're lying there all helpless some doctor walks in and chops off the end of your penis. Who's a happy baby? Who is? Yes, you are.