Quote by Martin Lawrence:

Go head on, with yo' fat apple pie ass, Aunt Bea!

Comedian

Quotes by other comedians

That’s America for you - a red herring culture, always scared of the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald’s, Marlboro and K Street.

When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, "I am a shallow, shallow person."

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

You might be a redneck if your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone.