My uncle was the first one in my family to get a telephone. It was like going to the moon. He came running over to tell us, and we were so proud. A telephone! We didn't have to go to the candy store to phone any more. We went around telling everyone. But we didn't hear from my uncle for three days, so my father got worried. He said, "Let's go over there." We got there, and my uncle was very depressed. I asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I got a telephone and nobody called me." He didn't give his number out - he didn't know that you had to!
Quote by Pat Cooper:
Quotes by other comedians
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
Coach: "Are you any good?" Young Brian: "I dunno, my mom sent me..." "Well, go to right field." "Oh, okay." "Turn around, you moron!" "Oh, okay" "Not the whole way!" "Oh, just some?"
If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.
There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.